6 November 2007

Another day another duller . . . :o)
So, I'm back - the cough is going - just
But the universe is on some kind of major arse-kicking exercise
EzBird's dad (EzWouldBeFatherInLawIfWeWereMarried) is in hospital, and he is very poorly
Not only is he in hospital, but he's in Kettering General Hospital which has the dubious reputation of being the worst hospital in the UK for MRSA
Forget your killer wards that made the headlines - that bugger (!) was only fourth worst in the country
Oh,no. No, he has to be blue lighted straight to the top.
Poor bastard, well here's hoping he makes a full recovery, eh?
Soggy heart apparently . . . medical term, I don't think
Love the dumbing down
All that was missing was for the nurse to put her face close to mine and in a very loud voice shout
"HE'S VERY POORLY"
Top quality prognosis from the NHS there. Spot on. It's what I pay my taxes for and no mistake.
And the place is filthy. Why can't they put some bloody air freshener out?
Who wants to smell of piss and shit without the knowledge that it was a good night on the town first, eh? Exactly

So, as this blog is about my novel and the progress to date I shall share that with you;
Currently the month of October was a complete waste of fucking time
I reckon I must have typed, oooooo at least four words of my own
The rest I nicked from Helen and her lovely assessment of my draft manuscript
Well, I say draft, but the truth is, I thought the fucker was finished . . .
Just goes to show you, and I did believe it myself at first, that I have a loooooong way to go.
Trouble is, the bank balance . . . well, let's just say that it will be strained to get past chrimbo at this rate
So, maybe I should concentrate on the book then?
Is that what you are saying?
Get off your fat arse and get some work done? I agree
Except the fat arse bit, which I thought was a tad harsh
I am losing weight y'know.
Mostly on account that if I don't eat, I don't spend any money which means I get to stay off work a bit longer - woohoo!

Anyhoo . . . So I have looked at more of those books EzBird bought me for me birthday
This section is entitled;
Write the book you want to write
Eh? What the hell did they think I was bloody writing?
Ahhhh: Find your voice it says
La la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Not that voice obviously, but your voice
Y'know, it just doesn't come across well on paper does it?
This sub section of “write the book blah blah blah blah” is about the fact that you will have a style that you are completely comfortable with
And that is this one for me - the stand-up comedian as a sit-down piss-taking knob stylee
Works for me - I slip so easily into this style that it's scary

So, another edit.
This time we're away with a first person perspective
I have changed the book drastically just by changing the style
Now, you know who the narrator is; It's Sariro
Not only that but I decided he would be talking to you. No, not you, you. The guy behind you. Of course you! Who else is he going to talk to? Jeez.
Its as if he has found our world and taken up residence
This helps with one of the criticisms that I got from the first reviewer;
the use of modern language (including swearing . . . oooops)
So now, Sariro is in our modern day, in our world he can not only use our language but he can also compare his birth realm with our world
I loved this idea so much that (at the beginning of November) I began what must be the 8th edit
I have taken the (wise) choice to copy the whole manuscript and start almost from scratch
Not the typing you understand, my god I couldn't be arsed to type that bloody lot again, no - I cut and paste into a new doc
Colour it red so I know where my new stuff is and bingo! one new novel
It will still retain the title; "Paradise Falls"
But, now I get to add a whatsit thingy; sub-title:
"An autobiography of the greatest mage that ever lived"
And "By Sariro, toast written by " blah blah blah
I have yet to settle on which name I am going to use;
I could be Sheldon Wortley, Sheldon Xavier Wortley, S X Wortley (Too JK Rowling, though eh?) or just Xavier
What do you think?
The "toast" bit would be explained in the epilogue that if I (the "ghost" writer) got it wrong I'd be toast (very Eoin Colfer)
Talking of author comparisons, part of selling meself to an agent or publisher will include a "How would you describe yourself" section
Hell, that's going to be tricky
'd like to think I was as funny as Terry Pratchett,
As famous as J K Rowling
And as well read as The Bible
Knowing my luck I'll just probably be as funny as The Bible . . .

So where was I?
Oh yes, my voice and the change to first person, past tense, piss taking knob
So that's going quite well really
And, once again, I'm actually loving it
Loving the writing, laughing at my own humour - then removing the excessive use of the word "fucking" which seems to be the most popular word in my current dictionary
Have to take it out otherwise I can't sell me book to the yoof's
When will the establishment ever catch up with the real world?
I learnt most of my bad language when I was in school up to the age of fourteen
Here's a tip for you; buy the book, give it to your teenage relative, wait for them to hand it back with the spelling corrected and the correct use of the vernacular scrawled in the margins
Then read it.
I tell you; it's going to be an eye opener.

So, in a fit of self conscious concern
I thought I'd set up another blog
A poll (not a pole or even a Pole but a poll) and post up the different first chapters
Let you guys vote on how to start this book off?
I'll not be biased in any way but I can assure you that my way is best . . . !
:o)
Whilst on the subject of blogs - October's most productive procrastination was to improve the look and feel of this blog . . . a bit, oh and get that click through gubbins working. Hopefully.
You can earn thousands of dollars a month apparently . . .
So the blurb says
But only if you lot click through the adverts, oh and you tell all your mates to read this blog
And those numbers get up to . . . tens of thousands . . . ahem.
Could happen . . .
It all counts anyway - the more people read the blog and ultimately read the blogged chapters
The more of a saleable quantity I become
Simple
Yes, the more simple I become too . . .
And let's be honest, I really don't care if you like me or not, just so long as you buy my book . . .
Ha ha ha ha ha. Ahhhh. No, really, please. Buy the book.

Next update will be back to the storyline/plotline guff that helps you understand the process of writing oh and keep your eye out for the next set of blogs - the chapters themselves
Not all of them, obviously; but enough to whet your appetite and get you gagging to buy the book
This is not subliminal advertising here - buy the bloody book is not subtle
I don't do subtle