30 September 2007

This is the start of something . . . big? Nah
Blig? Ha! No
Something . . . necessary
Start at the very beginning
Well, not the very beginning
That would just be silly

June 1st 2007.
Bye bye work
Not by choice, you understand
The bastards
EzBird (the missus) convinced me to not resign the second I returned from Cape Verde (Dire in 2007, leave it a decade if I was you), so I didn't
No, they get in first
Why is that not just the greatest "woohoo" of all time?
Can't tell you
Maybe it's something to do with feeling . . . useless
If I had quit, I was in control
Being made redundant, well let's just say indignation is an understatement
So they pay me to leave
"Get out" they said. "Go on, get out. And take this . . . significant . . . amount of money with you"
"Ha! I will, you . . . lovely people . . . um . . . thank you."
So, one weeks garden leave, a nice little nest egg and the "summer" off
For those non-uk residents, and anyone arriving late to this drivel, the summer of 2007 was a bloody wash-out in the UK
The sun didn't start to shine until end of July, here in the midlands at any rate
So, what to do, what to do? Lie here in the . . . rain or . . . hold up, what else is there?
There you go, all the background you need

Personal details?
What the hell for?
Ok, ok, ok. For heaven's sake
Er, EzBloke and EzBird (Sometimes called EzBabe) plus EzCat no EzKids
EzPop (EzMum passed away in '99), EzBro2 (EzBro1 passed away in '97), EzSis1, EzSis2 and EzSis3 (I would be EzBro3 in case you need to know)
One EzUnc (EzAunt passed away '04 - is it me or is it not good to be EzRelated? What do you mean "yes"?)
Countless EzNephews and EzNieces and EzInLaws all over the place

'66 what a wonderful series of year's;
1066 - Battle of Hastings; all our corns cured
1666 - The great fire of London; England invents the rat barbeque
1966 - I was born; Oh, and something about a world cup too, but that's not important right now

What else do you want to know?
Oh yes, the point! Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha. Ahhhh. Anyway . . .
So I have this dream, pretty damn vivid if you want to know
Dragons; heroes; princessessess, no; princessess', no; princessii, no; heroins, ah crap; heroines and shit
I begin to regale EzBird with the wondrous nature of it and don't stop even when the light behind her eyes goes out
Upshot is she tells me to write it
"You live in a fantasy world" she says "So go write"
"I bloody will" Says I
And with that, she dutifully returns to her Soduku

So, up comes the PC at the press of a digit and out pours the dream
Absolutely amazing
Two days I write
Two days
Two solid, do-not-disturb-an-artist-at-work, no-I-don't-want-any-tea, no-I-can't-come-out-for-a-beer . . . (?!) days
And I am now the proud owner of four and a half thousand words of complete and utter garbage
And I mean garbage
Oh dear
I need help

You just have to love t'interweb
One day of surfing, reading and swearing later and I have the following advice to work on;

Character Biog's;
Know your character like they are your best friend

Really? I dunno. I kinda just made this shit up and these people don't actually exist
And isn't that, like, one step close to stalking?
Ok, I'll give it a go
Well, no, actually, what I'll do is hit the pub for a pint
Or two
Or several
Yay

Soooo, let's see what this little fucker is like then shall we?
Ok. He's a farm boy. Gets a dream.
Good, good, like it.
An' the dream makes him intelligent
Yes! This is the mutts nuts! What else?
Let's see; He's a magician . . .
Euch. Magician? Magician? Paul Daniels (Google him, or not. I would say not) pops into my head
What a shite word. Magic. Magicians. Magii. Mages. Eeew
Let's see . . . Magic is an illusion, ok . . . Illusionists? Illusionisers? Illusionator?
Great if my target audience is George Bush
One book, one sale
Whoop
Wait a minute though . . . if it was $1M a book . . . y'know this might just work
Ok. Maybe not
So magic. What is magic? Mind over matter? Ok. Bit of a mouthful as they say
Do they say that? And who are they anyway?
I know! (Eureka! but not in the bath, eh? Computers and water do not mix. Don't try it at home folks)
TLA's. Three Letter Acronyms! Yay! Let's face it, how long before they become words in their own right anyway?
"Hi, I'm Bill, I live in the Yu ess ay"
Works for me
So, Mind Over Matter = Emohem
Bugger me this novelezarating is easy!
I reckon I deserve a pint for that

So. Who's our hero? Who . . . who . . . who . . . ?
Who's Our Hero. Aha!
Oh wait; Doubleyu-Oh-Aitch, blah. That just looks shite
Who is our hero? It's 'ar 'ero 'innit . . . ar'ero? Ooooooo . . . liking this already . . . Sar'iro . . . Sariro
Yay! Sariro! Holy shit! He has a name! Do not mention surname ok, just shut up
What are his dreams about?
Ah - that's easy. Premonitions.
He's dreaming about premonitions? Bollocks
Nope, he is having premonitions about a great battle he has to fight
Good, good, getting there!
Ok. What was his mothers name?
What?! What the hell? How would I know? I never met his goddamn mother
Alright! He's a bloody orphan ok?
If he has a scar you could call him Harry fucking Potter, change your name to Jaykay Rowling and not have to worry about writing this sodding book
Ok. No scar. Not an orphan either.
His mother's name is Beatrice, ok? There. Beatrice. Satisfied?
His father's name, before you bloody start, is Ezan
They die in the first chapter, leaving Sariro an orphan and where he gets his scar . . .
Oh, hells tits. Can you stop thinking about Harry Potter for five minutes?
Apparently not . . .
Right, let's try again, shall we? What's next?

Back-story.
Back-story? I haven't got the bloody story yet and you want a back-story?
Right! Back-story
Ok. Here we go . . .
So the story is that Sariro has to save his village from an evil something or other . . .

Back-story then;
The evil something or other . . . let's just use Gnome as a place marker . . . is back
He wants to regain his domain (very poetic) because he lost it in a great battle
Awesome!
He shoots! He scores!
Hell, this could be a book in it's own right!

You want back-story? I'll give you damn back-story!
The back-story to the back-story . . . ok, that word is starting to lose meaning, now . . . is that this Gnome, called . . . um . . . Irsi
Gnome Irsi! Geddit? Huh, huh? Geddit? Aw, c'mon! That's good stuff! No Mercy? No? Suit yourself, gits
So, the back-story back-story is . . . that Irsi's domains were originally . . . Heaven!
Oh, yes!
Heaven. The fall of Heaven! Aw, shit, been done. Bugger
Ok, not heaven then, what's another word for heaven?
Wiki is wi-i-i-i-kid man! Paradise. Or the Elysian Fields. Or Valhalla - the eternal resting place of dun dun daaaaaaaa heroes
Cooool. So Paradise falls to Irsi. (Backback-story)
Irsi's domain . . . what's the antithesis of Paradise? Hell
Hell? Euch. Too Heaven and Hell-ish
We'll call it [Hell] for now. As a placeholder
Then [Hell] falls, to . . . um, dunno, it just falls . . . (Back-story)
Excellent!
Phew! This is hard bloody work

Ok, now at this point, maybe a day or two passes as I can't get Paradise Falls out of my head
And bugger me if it isn't just brilliant . . . you can't say no, you haven't heard the rest of it yet

Ok let's pick up the pace a little;
I'm compressing somewhere between four to six weeks into a short space here
Just so's you can catch up

I'm writing. What I am writing is backback-story
Sixteen Chapters; 75,000 words in maybe six weeks; with the occasional day off for the pub, shopping with EzBird etc.
Ok - we have the bulk of a story
Notice I keep calling it a story, later on I find out that my time-linear non-consequential story has, um, let's see . . . no . . . that's "no" plot . . . ouch
So, how do I describe where I got to;
ok here we go; let's pad the synopsis . . . heh, heh, now we're an author baby. Oh, Yeah!

So, Book 1 (This is now a trilogy . . . or a thrillogy as I like to call it. Ok. I won't call it that);
Sariro, a dumb farm boy is having educational dreams
No, not those kind of dreams. Please, keep your mind out of the gutter will you?
He dreams about the invasion of Paradise
An old myth of his people
That’s how it starts; he tells (or gets told) the myth of "The End Of Times" (Big music, da da da daaaaaaaa)
Then he has to work out how he fits in
Coool
Right; the myth involves the Gnome Irsi and his entry into Paradise
Someone should stop him
A quintessential hero, a veritable Arnie, who is my Conan?
Halfir ('coz he's only got half an ear) Goldenhair (Because he has . . . blonde hair . . .)
Oh, and to show Irsi is a real bad nasty, not one but two heroes
The other one is, um . . . Grinii (Green Eye, on account of his, oh you get the picture) Lionheart (yada yada yada)
Sweet

So, Sariro must help Halfir stop Irsi, but he's only having dreams, so how can he do it?
He needs help. Aha! A muse!
With a sense of humour, even. So amuseing . . . no? Ok, I'll give you that one
Now then, following the Native American naming convention that everyone is so familiar with
I'll call our muse, Kentse (Kent See. As in "Kent see any dangly bits; awwww damn, another girl")
Spot on
Ok, I'll work on the biogs for these five for now
At this point another trip to the 'net for EzBird about the US series House gives serendipity a nudge in my direction
Wiki, oh dear beloved Wiki how I love you so
Ahem, anyhoo . . . .
So House, Dr Gregory no less, has a biog on Wiki
A biog for fucks sake!
Ahhh, god bless Bill Gates too as cut 'n' paste now gives me a biog framework!
Oh, and a sample for me to get my head into the concept
Yeehaaaaa!
So, now (remember four or six weeks of head down writing?) Sariro, Kentse, Irsi, Halfir and Grinii have 4000 words each
Yep, 4000! Holy shit! That’s . . . lots!
Ask me anything. Go on. Ask me. Halfir's Mother? His relationship with his father? Why he is a hero?
How about; Why is Halfir in Paradise? Well, I'll tell you. He's in Paradise 'coz Irsi killed him
Yep. What a bastard. Killed him dead he did
And, right, not only that but Irsi was so pissed at Halfir that he was not content to kill him the once, oh no
Nope. Irsi wangs over to Paradise to have another pop at our eponymous hero
Why? Good question. And I can tell you that too;
'Coz he nicked Irsi's sword, so he did
Not just any old sword either. Nope. A magic sword
Sooo how about them onions eh?

Ok, that's the why
Now, the what . . .
Next post
It's late, and EzBird is talking and I should really be listening I suppose . . .

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