Right, so this is Tuesday ok?
Geddit? Tuesday
Not Thursday but Tuesday . . .
Good
Off we go then
Yesterday *cough* I gave you a brief synopsis on the book
So, and this is the best advice I can give any aspiring writer; Write
You do not have to write clever JKR quality stuff at first
You do have to edit it. And edit it. And then edit it again. Best edit it again
Now get someone else to edit it
Honest, trust me on this
Oh, and don't use friends or family too heavily; they are biased
EzBird was a godsend, however; "Sword and sorcery like shit?" (sic)
She's a chicklit lover and refuses to watch The Lord of the Rings
For a whole day. End to end. All 12 DVD's. Plus Dorito's . . .
Which means that when she blags the first chapter she's tough
Not in storyline or plot; but right where it counts: Speling . . . :o) (sick) and "scan"
As in, I can't be arsed reading this shit it doesn't scan properly . . .
I'm telling you, editors like her are worth a pigging fortune
And she's all mine! Get your thievin' mitts off! Get yer own!
Ahem. Anyhoo . . .
So the what
Sariro lives in an idyllic world; simple farming and constant sunny days, no wars, etc.
That's because, get this, he lives in Paradise!
He doesn't know it yet, or maybe not for a chapter or two
So here's how it goes;
Sariro thinks "The End of Times" is a premonition but he is wrong;
Its not a future event; it was an historic event!
Fuck me, this is brilliant!
Ok.
So why does Sariro have dreams? They don't just happen . . . oh . . . wait, yeah they do . . . tits.
Nah. I have a better idea.
In my dream, (remember that? It was soooo long ago) Sariro was battling the bad guy who was excavating an old citadel
He was digging to release a . . . dragon
So what if the dragon is there from day one?
Right, so Sariro is not "magical" until he . . . sleeps near the dragon
Dragons, whilst sleeping, and they can sleep for years, exude magic (or emohem as we will always call it)
So Sariro sleeps with the dragon
Oh for heavens sake; will you keep this clean purlease
Near the dragon
The dragon is buried under this excavation jobby so . . . Sariro gets lost in caves
Cool
Ok. Why?
Why was Sariro in the caves, the daft twat?
Got it! Oh you are going to love this!
Ready? Sariro and his best friend . . . are camping in the forbidden lands (as a dare) and get lost in some caves . . .
Shit. Another character. Right. This will take a day or so, so give me a mo will you?
Ok here we go;
Sariro's younger, shorter (I bet you have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this! I know that because . . . I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with it . . . ) best friend; Phollebir
Oh yes!
Phollebir Jare (Folie Begere . . . ) geddit? He he he he.
So, Sariro's nickname for his younger, shorter (wait for it, wait for it) best friend is . . . gnome
Oh yes!
This is called a self fulfilling prophecy - shit I am good!
And Phollebir is the bad guy doing the excavating during the third book
And at the end of the third book . . . oh no you fucking don't!
Like I'm going to tell you that
Until I've worked it out properly anyway . . .
So type type type type blah blah blah
First chapter begins with the two boys arsing around some caves, long story short; earthquake (dragon snoring . . .) new holes; boys fall through; sleep near, not with, near Dragon
Job done
Lots of rewrites, edits and days later; it's pretty fucking good, even if i do say so myself
Right, where's that new writers website, I remember seeing something about the first chapter
Aw, crap;
Start with a bang; leave the background until later
Eh? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
It means, old chap, that those 2500 words beautifully describing the cave and how emohem seeps into your soul from sleeping dragons will bore the living tits off anyone dumb enough to pick up your pathetic novel; probably in the bookstore, which means . . . buy your book? You'd think they would . . .
Aw for fucks sake
What else?
Right; To attract a publisher or literary agent . . .
Good, that's the plan
You have to grab and retain their attention in the first 50 pages . . .
Uh?
If they don't want more after 50 pages you're writing is fucking shit and they'll throw you to the crows
Well I may have paraphrased that a little, but you get the idea
Piss
Ok. Scrap the cave bollocks. Start with . . . oh I dunno . . . oooooo, let's start with the end!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I don't know it's been done before
Get a book on it baby; every fucking thing has been done before
It's not what you do; it's how different you are in doing it
So, where was I?
Oh, yeah; The first 50 critical (no pressure then) pages
So; We're at the gates of Paradise and Halfir stands in front of Irsi
Grinii is smeared on the ground in front of him, having been creamed by the Evil Gnome before we get there
Halfir curses, Irsi sneers (all bad guys sneer. It's what they do, s'true)
Irsi wangs a nasty at Halfir who ducks
But Irsi is smarter than that - he doesn't aim for Halfir
No, he aims at the stonework above his head
Bang! Down comes the arched doorway and turns our glorious last hero to pulp; without the hit records (If you don't understand, google it; if you did understand and just didn't think it was funny, then this book is soooo not for you . . .)
In goes Irsi
All hell breaks loose . . . literally. As this is literary. As opposed to littery. Which it may be . . .
Awesome!
Ok, Chapter one, continues with some chat between Kentse and Sariro; ooooo, I know!
Sariro recounts the legend about the end of the world
But his dreams don't precisely follow that line!
Perfect! So the legend has been . . . exaggerated, no . . . embellished. Yes!
Chinese whispers (Google should so be your best friend by now) means that everything is wrong
Oh yes everything! Well, nearly everything . . .
Holy fucking shit! This is a cracker!
So Sariro and Kentse do some chatter about the legend
Then he talks her through his first dream
He describes the land, the people, the fortress and a citadel in the middle
Oh oh, wait up; after writing 8000+ words describing this world it’s no good
Well, when I say no good, I don't mean no good, obviously it good but it's just "describing sunsets"
And an action, fast paced, beat 'em up doesn't stop to describe sunsets; otherwise the reader (that's you lot. Oh yes it fucking is. I'm not doing this for love y'know. I'm doing it for the money. So get your wallet out and go buy a copy. Stop reading it in the library you fucking tight wad) otherwise the reader (that's you . . . oh, done that already) gets bored; at best skips all your hard work, at worst puts the book down. Both fatal for sales of the sequel, or in our case treacle. . . rofl. Holy shit that was funny. It’s a play on words! Oh come on! It's a trilogy! The third book is a triquel! Goddamn you people are hard to please
Anyway; just like painting when you were five years old; you take one great fat blob of colour and smear it all the way from one side of the canvas (well, paper) to the other, so it is; Grab each paragraph and make each one a chapter
Ok; Sixteen chapters, all with a bit of sunset in 'em
Yay! Perfect. Ok now what?
Plot
Eh?
Plot.
Yeah got that; Irsi, gnome of darkness; paradise, Sariro stops him yada yada yada
No
No?
No
No.
Plot is the characters having a mission and what they do to obtain that mission; sucking out their personalities and spitting them at the reader without dropping sudden solutions or unrealistic dramatic situations out o nowhere (Deus ex machina - I've read books like this and boy, was I pissed at the end, and no, I will not be reading that author again.)
Ok, so Sariro has to have some goal and a path to his goal and a whole bunch of options to choose from
I get it.
Plot
Fucking hell, this is difficult
Here we go; Sariro has to deal with now being intelligent, when before he was . . . thick
He has to grow up. Quickly.
So what's to stop him?
Himself; He's reticent at first to embrace this new him
Bit of a wimp then?
Ugh. Yeah. Not good; no-one likes a wimp
Ok. We need to balance wimpy Sariro with overtly bloodthirsty . . . um . . . oooo, I know; Kentse
His muse, Kentse, a bored rich girl is a hero worshipper! Perfect!
Ok, so his lack of action pisses her off which means . . . he has to do something
Why?
Um . . . because . . . he's in love with her . . . ? (Hopefully)
Ok. (Nods, slowly) We can use that
Yeah, he loves her. Unrequited love; bingo!
Ok, so he does something wimpy, Kentse throws a right royal wobbler and she dumps him
No, not dumps him, coz she never went out with him
She . . . refuses to see him
Oh yes
Right
Wow. Ok, now we have a taste of a plot . . .
Cool
At some point during this last three months I have managed to write quite a fair bit of this novel
All based on this concept
The main thing to realise is that I am not just juggling this book but I have to bear all three in mind
And then I have a bit of an epiphany
Another book.
That's four;
1.) Paradise Falls
2.) [Hell] Falls
3.) Paradise Regained
and now
4.) Hero Trials (Like the ten trials of Hercules only with Halfir, Grinii and ultimately Irsi)
Um, whilst I'm at it there are at least another . . . let's see . . . two after this;
5.) Dragon Thieves (Which is the tale of how Irsi sneaks into the Dragon realms and steals the 25 eggs of the Dragonatomies that feature in Book 1)
6.) Mist Trials (Which follows Kentse's return to her native land/people and how she causes mayhem)
Ok, lets see; what's next;
Sense Impressions?
Eh? Pretend to be a smell?
No, you twat; What strikes the other senses? Smell, Touch, Taste, Sound?
Lots of sight, but not much of the others
Ahhhhh, gotcha!
Right. Whizz through the chapters and make sure that all the senses are catered for!
Ok, Smell
Smell? What the fuck smells? The book (I now have a book by the way . . . dem) says go out and smell around
Uh, ok. . . I live in a bit of a rough neighbourhood but if it's for my art . . .
Ok, so that was the dumbest fucking idea I have ever heard
Damn nearly got the living shit kicked out of me;
Sniffing around I get accosted by some dick with a crew-cut, scar and scowl;
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Hmm? Oh, don't worry; sense impressions" says I, happily
"You calling me senseless?"
"Eh?"
"C'mere you fucking prick" (Smack)
"Aww, for fuckth thake! Thath my fuckin' nothe!"
"Did you just call me a twat?"
"Eh? What?! No!"
"C'mere you fucking prick" (Smack) At this point play sound of running (away) feet
Sense impressions my fucking arse
Tomorrow *cough* We'll go through the chapters; add in some more characters etc.
If I can be arsed
;o)
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