Ok, today's entry is about the language I use
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I like the following ideas;
TLA's spelt out (Yuessohay) and I've extended this - more later
George Bernard Shaw's fabulous fish; GHOTI
So now I have two languages and I use them in two different ways
Don't panic, if you get confused I'll, um, carry on regardless . . .
Let's face it, I really haven't got a bloody clue myself so you don't stand a hope
So let's start with the language of emohem
Mind Over Matter, remember?
Oh ffs, you are useless - look back
You don't have far; this is still a new blog ok?
Lazy buggers
Right so that's all well and good but how to divide up the words, as every word is now it's phonetic first letter, you would for example end with one word like this;
Tecuebeefjayohteelde
(The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Over The Lazy Dog)
Which is a gobfull and no mistake; soooooo
We need a rule to help and what better rule than the rule of three?
Every third letter is a new word
Tecuebe efjayoh teelde
Spanking! Now, the important thing to remember is that this is a magical language
So, where all other languages are interpretable, this one isn'
It just isn't
How do you know that the above three words don't mean;
Tiny Queen Beatrice Finaly Judged Olaf The Latvian Demon
You don't. And that means that it's a good language for the mysteries of emohem
Of course, the emohem expert needs to know, so with every use of the language the speaker/writer/whatever leaves a tiny blob of explanatory emohem - like a wax seal
Goddamn this is good.
Now what if our emohem is an expert?
Lets call him and emohemee
Ooooo, these are longer than three but not so long as to make sense;
An emohem ee
That just looks shite
So, lets use the fantasy writers most over used tool; the apostrophe
Now, we are taking the piss a bit really, 'coz let's face it, how many times do you see those wonderful names and foreign words (and we know their foreign 'coz they've got an apostrophe in 'em, geddit?) split to help us with our diction? All the time, no?
Here we go;
emohem'ee
Hmmmm, nearly but not quite;
How about em'ohemee?
Oh yes.
Ok, quick squiz down the alphabet and set the words up; A=Ay; B=Bee; C=See; D=Dee; E=Ee; F=Ef; G=Gee; H= urk! um, come back to that one; I=Ay awww tits, come back to that one too; J=Jay; K=Kay; L=El; M=Em; N=En; O=Oh; P=Pee; Q=Cue; R=Ar; S= Es; T= Tee; U=Yu; V=Vee; W= eh, ah, u, fuck it, back to that one too; X=Ex; Y=Wy; Z=Zee or Zed
Whoop!
Although, I reckon you can prolly spot what is fundamentaly wrong with the old language
Yep, there is an awful lot of EEEEE's, so many my heads spinning . . .
Ok, new rule needed;
Where we have two vowels together, like say "Up Is Down" a direction altering chant to be used when faced with towers that need to be flown over or something . . .
How the fuck should I know? I'm just pigging winging this as I go. Shut up
So Up Is Down would be Yuaydee - which is a bit of a mouthful when spoke for the first time BUT if we say that every time a double vowel hits the begining of a word we swap the second vowel to the actual vowel . . . hold on, i'm getting lost here . . . oh, yeah so he second is left as a real one;
YuiDee - Yoo-eye-dee (much easier to pronounce)
If, on the other hand, the vowels are together at the end of the word, then we make the first vowel the real one; Level Eighty One is Eleeoh so it becomes Eleoh
Get it? No? Tough, it's happening. And it's in there by the bucket load!
Ok, one more slight hitch; triple written vowels; Level Eighty Four looks like this Eleeef, which just looks stupid, so lets get rid; new rule; written triple letter vowels; the double is shortened to a single; Eleef looks better.
One more rule just because I thought I was fucking brilliant; at the end of a word E is replaced with I but still pronounced EE; B=Bi; C=Si; D=Di; E=i; G=Ji; P=Pi; T=Ti; V=Vi; Y=Wi and Z=Zi.
This way when discussing the novel you'll be in the secret society that knows how to pronounce the words properly won't you?
My advice; don't correct their mis-pronunciation, just look smug knowing they are soooo lame and have not cracked open this blog. Winner. Or you could be the novel guru that does correct them and help them by pointing them toward this blog. If you wanted.
So, still have a bunch of issues; H, A & I, and W
Here's how I got round them; H = Aitch, or Aich or Aytch but mostly avoiding using those words if you can . . . !
A=Ay or Eigh (as in Eight) and I=Aye
Ha!
So we'll wang up some basic emohem practitioners;
Em’ohembe – MOMB – Mind over matter beginner,
Ayem’ohembe – AMOMB – A mind over matter beginner,
Tiem’ohembe – TMOMB – The mind over matter beginner;
Em’ohemyu – MOMU – Mind over matter user;
Em’ohemee – MOME – Mind over matter expert;
Em’ohemti – MOMT – Mind over matter teacher;
Em’ohempi – MOMP – Mind over matter pupil;
Ha! You get the idea. So that pretty much wraps up the magical language
Lot's of chanting and shit, some written toss yada yada yada
Now, the names of the characters I've already explained
And as I come up with some more; I'll drop 'em on here
I came across another piece of advice in one of those bloody books from EzBird;
Place
Oh for fucks sake, what now?
It is important for the reader to have a sense of place
Eh?
When reading a new novel, no matter what, it is good to have a sense of familiarity
Oh crap
But, now, there's the place names that need thinking about;
Like, whilst I'm not interested in telling the tale from the beginning;
On the planet blah in the land of bleh
I might just as well write it was a dark and stormy night . . .
Oooo, that's pretty good actually, no, no, you can't . . . can you . . . ?
No. Stobbit. Stupid.
Back to place
So, according to the long and . . . dreary article, aparantly you lot get lost finding your arse
Maybe I'm only selling me book to bright readers?
Ok, maybe not. I figure that make it a really niche niche market
You know I'm only kidding right?
Right?
Hey! Where you going? I was only joking, oh come on!
I'll tell you about the article on not thinking you are smarter than your readers another time . . . !
:o)
So, back to place; the theory is that if you write your novel abou, say New York, then knowing the place and making the odd reference helps the reader settle into the "place" especiall yif they have been or live in New York themselves. In fact, there is a bit of a "Hey! I know where he's talking about! It's just over there! Behind that car. That's on fire."
So, in my novel there is no such "place" - not in reality; it's all in my head
So how do I get you there? How do I describe what I really feel awkward about?
How do I tell you that the world is unknown, I have no ida how big the planet is?
Oh god! Do I have to know how the solar systems works too? The Universe?
Are there stars? Moons? Shit, how would I know?
Oh christ this is going to be a comlpete fuck up isn't it?
Pull yourself together. The audience is listening.
So let's see, a good start is to name the village
Now that is easy; I'll nick it from a couple of Ozzies I know (That's a whole different story)
Hell, I nick so much from them already, how the hell would they know
So here goes; Leicestershire. Loughborough. Or as they like to call it looga barooga . . .
You gotta love those antipdeans
So Sariro comes fro, ah let's wheech it around a tad; Luga B'ruga (Gotta have an apostrophe, no?)
There ya go
Now, these guys run to "safety" so where are they runing to? A place in the mountains but they'll not get there without passing thru another place
Big breath
Ok, this one is for EzBirds brother, killed in the Isle of Man
He was taking Bird (his girlfriend of the time) on holiday
She wanted to go somewhere exotic
He didn't
So he told her he was talking her to Mablé Torpé
Or, as we in the UK know it; Mablethorpe
So, as he was the quintessense of "Live" as in "Live your Life", I dedicate that to him
I am Living my dream, he lived lived his
Thankfully computers can't kill you
They can't can they?
Computers?
Kill you?
Can they?
Hell, why am I asking, you lot? Sheesh. I must be going mad.
Ok, so that's language and stuff covered
Now what else was I gonna tell you?
Oh yeah, Beasties
Hmm - now this is the reverse of reverse psychology . . . or psychology as I like to call it . . .
(chortle)
Here's how it goes; pick up a boko called "How to interpret your dreams" or some such and spin through it looking for natural or supernatural imagery and you'll get pretty the much same thing; unicorns=penis, horses=penis, dragons=hot penis; cats=soft fluffy . . . penis (?) What I'm trying to say here is that no matter what animal you chose, real or imaginary it's your penis
If you are a women, well that's different. It's someone else's penis. Obviously . . .
So, take that and spin it on it's head a touch
And we have my pincipia Eydeene (That's this planet. Did I not mention that? Ooops. I D N E. It Does Not Exist, simple. Are you getting any of this?)
The point is every mythical (in our world) beastie is not a personification of some male organ; it is a power trip of mankind. This means that every beastie I introduce will have started with a man. A plain old simple bi-ped. Dragons; Bi-ped. Centaurs? Bi=ped. And so on and so on.
How about that?
The next update may jump around a bit; coz, originally this journal was my procrastination from the novel and now I want to, er, procrastinate from this too - coz i've forgotten where I was and all that
As you can see; this is sooo planned
Oooooo; planning! Yes, that's what I'll talk about, er . . . tomorrow?
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